Jerry Rice's retirement, as told by the WMD

Sorry about the hiatus folks, things are starting to get back to "normal" since the baddest bitch/Hurricane Katrina came callin' a couple weeks ago. Here's my take on Jerry Rice's retirement, but be warned, it's in my usually twisted point-of-view.

Jerry Rice has retired, or as I like to think of it, euthanized by the football gods. I know that the guy Gunglinger Cooley said could catch BBs in the dark and was called "World" as Miss. Valley State felt like he could play, but Mike (the false genius) Shanahan kinda let him down easy. If Jerry felt like he could play, more power to him. However, the only person that could consistently put press coverage on ya boy got him, and that's Father Time.

Football, unlike the other major sports, puts the player at a greater degree of risk when it comes to long-term physical harm. Johnny Unitas couldn't use the right arm that made him God in Baltimore after he finished playing, Keenan McCardell can't comb his hair after games, Terrell Davis is in his early 30s with athritic knees, and etcetera etcetera.

Very few come out relatively unscathed like Jim Brown, Howie Long and Cris Collinsworth (now which one of those three didn't belong?). Jerry just had the good fortune, and good skill/conditioning, to last as long as he did in the NFL without that much wear and tear on his body. But come to think of it, Jerry became something most of us have seen on the streets and ignored, something that someone close to us has become, or something we just shake our heads it and amazement/shame at...

Jerry Rice was a junkie lookin' for a fix...and football was his drug.

Think about it, Jerry was riding high when Bill Walsh fed him that good West Coast Offense dope. Jerry was on top of the world, setting records that may never be broken, getting snubbed for a Super Bowl MVP award and setting a standard at his position that may never be paralleled in any sport by any player at any position.

Then, as Bill Walsh got pushed off the block and Seifert and Co. took over and left (along with John York taking control of the team away from Eddie Debartalo--thanx to former Louisiana Gov. Edwin Edwards), the front office felt that Jerry's football habit was too expensive to spend on when they had fine young foxes J.J. Stokes and Terrell (Tuh-RELL not Teh-RULL) Owens waiting in the wings. So what did they do...stage a "last hurrah/passing over the torch" at Denver (ironic) and let T.O. snag 20-plus balls at old Candlestick Park to break a Jerry Rice record.

Dejected, like junkies are when their longtime supplier don't want them no more, he went searching for a new fix. Junkies do some strange things when they look for that fix. In this case, Jerry went to Oakland. Man, Jerry in the silver in black is like David Duke and Mark Furman doing a remakes of "Fu*k the Police" and "Can't Truss It" in Adamsville off 285 -- you would never believe it unless you saw it.

Jerry hooked up with some other ol-school football junkies -- Rich Gannon, Tim Brown, Rod Woodson, and their new pusher Jon "Chucky" Gruden..and the old junkies did pretty damned good. But after Chuky left for Tampa and got credit for winning with Tony Dungy's talent built up, Jerry was left with another regime change, with new pushers saying Jerry was too expensive to maintain while their younger foxes like Jerry Porter, Doug Gabriel and Ron Curry waiting in the wings.

So Jerry headed north to Seattle, of all places, to try to get a taste with a new pusher, Mike Holmgren. He knew Holmgren from back in the day with 'Niners -- Jerry was the star WR while Mike was learning how to cook that raw from Bill Walsh. Jerry thought he could lend his vast junkie experience to help younger foxes Darrell Jackson, Koren (poor man's Randy Moss) Robinson and Bobby Engram (who I'm surprised is still in the league). But, those three got the rock time and kept droppin' passes while ol' Jerry languished on the bench, searching for a fix.

Jerry was let go by ol' dope apprentice Holmgren and tried to latch on to another Bill Walsh apprentice, Mike (the false genius) Shanahan. Shanahan made no promises to keep him if Jerry couldn't be third on the depth chart, but junkies just can't quit...and lo and behold he was beaten out for that job by a younger fox, Darrius Watts.

So after 20 years of the football drug, Jerry decided to admit he had a football problem and he needed help to become a regular citizen. He retired from the drug and will seek some serious rehab to get back to a regular life. But, as we all know, junkies can't quit cold turkey...So they'll wean him off. Here's how they'll wean him off..

1. He'll get a gig doing some commentary (have Super Bowl rings: will analyze!)
2. He'll probably go back to Valley to get some of that ol' school dope (his buddy, "Satellite" Totten is the coach)
3. He'll still get that fat NFL pension, which all of us wish we could get.
4. He'll do some Visa commerical or FedEx commercial

But, look at the bright side. He's already admitted he has a football problem, and admittance is the first step to recovery.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying Jerry Rice is, or ever was, a junkie. I was just using "junkie" as a metaphor. This is just for laughs, folks.