Slant & Go at the movies, Part Deux

Just when you thought it was safe to get back into the water, the brain trust at Slant & Go Studios return to tantalize the viewing public.
The attention garnered by some of S&G’s proposed projects a week ago have prompted officials at the entertainment conglomerate to think of something grand, something huge, something ... sequenced.
S&G is not afraid to look at trends as big-budget movie season draws near. The folks at the studios also know there is money to be made in sequels as well as remakes. Sequels are as American as apple pie, and the S&G brain trust is not afraid to make an impact on the pattented “next chapter” movies.
Think about it, these S&G guys aren’t playing. They think they can actually be larger than that guy Stephen Segal.
“Rambo: First Blood” will just be reduced to a whimsical date movie compared to what Slant & Go is cooking up. S&G will turn “The Godfather 2” into “Three Men and a Young Lady” just off what they are planning. Even all the “Harry Potter” sequels are not a match for the magic S&G can conjure and pack more force than the entire “Star Wars” saga — so take your wookies and skywalk all around Tatooine for all the S&G powers-that-be care.
S&G will keep with its current formula of casting professional athletes instead of some actor type. Athletes are literally beating down the doors and pushing down metermaids just to get their glossy 8x10’s into our offices and to get a seat on the very plush, but very long, casting couch.
This just in: John Williams (the guy that did the score in the “Star Wars” movies), the RZA (the guy from Wu-Tang Clan that did the score in the “Kill Bill” movies), Atlanta rapper Clifford “T.I.” Harris and Willie Nelson all have contacted S&G expressing interest in developing musical accompiament to these upcoming projects.
•Raja Bell and Kobe Bean Bryant go mano y mano in “Face/Off 2”: The “Big Bean” tried to elbow Bell’s face off during the Lakers-Suns first round playoff series. Bell did his best Nikita Koloff impression in Game 5 and tried to Russian Sickle Bean’s head off in retaliation to Bryant’s elbowing.
This beef between the scrappy Bell and the hardwood prince Bryant will not be settled until one has eliminated the other. Think of the possibilities: The cool John Woo slo-mo shots with the birds flapping in the distance would add some flair to the scene, but unfortunately would make the basketball court a little more slippery.
It is a classic battle between the undrafted Bell, who caught on with the 76ers the year Iverson and Larry Brown were on the same page, and second-generation player Bryant, who feels the NBA is his fiefdom for him to rule with impunity. Bell could utilize the scrappiness and toughness that has kept him in the league while Bryant can use his elbows and his mutant ability to produce large diamonds whenever the situation calls for it.
•Ricky Williams and Onterrio Smith co-star in “Up in Smoke, Again”: Ricky’s the shy, softspoken type that likes holistic medicine. Onterrio’s the high-strung guy that brought “The Whizzinator” into public conscience.
Together these “bud brothers” will walk around in a daze as they’re basically kicked off their jobs for the entire 2006 NFL season. Laugh histerically at their antics as they try to make the Portland Trail Blazers active roster. There are rumors that Damon “that’s not my pot on my coffee table, Mr. Officer” Stoudamire will have a significant role in this film.
Watch Williams and Smith set world record times in the 40-yard dash as they run into a (insert chain grocery store name here) and make a break for the junk food aisle or to the pharmacy section to pick up on some Visine or Clear Eyes.
This good-natured, full-bellied romp is a cross between “Dumb and Dumberer” and “Easy Rider,” the latter not to be confused with E-Z Wider.
•Serena Williams in “Less than Zero 2”: This sequel will not involve any references to cocaine, James Spader, Andrew McCarthy and Robert Downey Jr. However, it is the story about a girl from a hardscrabble section of Los Angeles who rises to the pinnacle of her profession, only to blow it away to her addiction to a very powerful drug — fame.
The film would follow Serena as she takes her braids out and begins really kicking butt on the tennis court. However, someone comes along and tells her that she is a lot more than just a tennis player. Serena seemingly overnight becomes a sex symbol and fashion plate, while her game dwindles in that same span.
Black was certainly the best color choice she had for her attire at the Kentucky Derby, because fame killed Serena Williams’ chance to become arguably the greatest women’s tennis player of her generation. Speaking of fame, where’s David Bowie or Debbie Allen when you need them?
•Paul Tagliabue stars in “The Godfather 4”: Hey may not be either Don Vito or Michael Corleone, but the retiring NFL commissioner could make offers people just could not refuse.
Just ask the good folks in Phoenix, Jacksonville, Detroit, Houston and other NFL cities that passed tax referendums to build multimillion-dollar stadiums for teams with billionaire owners. Tags punked ESPN into taking “Playmakers” off the air a couple of years ago, the same cable power the NFL virtually gave power to over a decade ago when the league awarded the once-fledgling channel some games.
Tags single-handedly kept the Saints in New Orleans while constantly flirting with Los Angeles. Work stoppages did not happen on Tags’ watch, partly because of the relationship he maintained with his consigliere — NFL Players Association head Gene Upshaw.
Tags must now watch as a new don gets to be at the helm of America’s biggest sports enterprise. Soon, even the Governator will have to kiss another man’s ring if he wants to see a pro football team in Los Angeles.
•Reggie Bush starts in “The Golden Child 2”: No Eddie Murphy here singing “I Want the Knife.” Instead, it's Bush’s stepdad telling some equally unscrupulous hack, “I want the house, please!” Wait a minute, that is more of a prequel than a sequel.
This project is still in the very early stages of development, with Bush being pegged as the biggest thing to hit New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina/Styrofoam Cups/Reebok Classics and jeans designed by Marithe and Francois Girbaud.
Just like Thomas after Easter Sunday, Saints fans want to see Bush for themselves, and they know that anything that can go wrong will go wrong whenever the New Orleans Saints are involved.